I'm home now. Have been for awhile, but now that all of my stuff is here and I know that I'm not goin back, I've this lingering sense of sadness. Regret that I didn't do more things while I had the time, anger that it wasn't my fault because of the knee injury from the stupid car accident. Sad that I didn't say goodbye properly to all of the people I will really miss, and most of all I'm feelin pretty lonely. I've little to no friends in falmouth, I wasn't ever here long enough to make any! Brock is leaving soon, and then I won't have any contact, phone, internet, anything until the end of the summer. Sure I'll be excited when I get to Toronto and can see all my old friends, but that's not for awhile yet. And not only do I have a couple weeks to go alone before I get to Ontario, but I've got to spend them shacked up, inside my house, @ rehab or in the hospital getting surgery. (We've decied afterall to just get it all cleared up here before I go. Just easier that way.)
I guess I'm trying to stay optimistic. Keep reminding myself that soon I'll be in Toronto. Soon I'll be on my own. Soon I'll see my old friends. Soon it'll be summer. Soon I'll be able to walk freely again. Keep reminding myself that it's okay, I don't need to feel like I'll never see all the friends I've made this past year ever again, because I will indeed visit. But its hard. Especially at night. Especially at night when few people are online, and even those who are, are the ones who've just come from the party I couldnt get a ride to, and are fairly intoxicated.
I'm lonely. I feel like crying. I have this lingering in my heart. The kind where no matter how hard I try to find somethng to do, no matter how hard I try to make these next weeks pass by with silly things like, staring a live journal, posting on thunacme, etc, I'm happy for like 2 minutes before that lingering feeling reminds me again of whats really going on. Its horrible. It makes me feel weak! I don't like being pessimistic or dwelling on the bad, but its just so hard to do when you feel alone.
Even when I do get to Ontario, things are gonna be rough for awhile. I'll techinically be homeless at first. Staying with friends for the first few weeks until my job starts putting money in the bank. After I get $ and have my own place, it'll still be kinda lonely. Not all of my friends will be there this summer, and I will be working an awful lot. All year it's only ever been 2 months inbetween the times Brock and I would see each other. That time would fly because I'd be busy with school, friends, etc. Now it's going to be the longest time without seeing him. I last saw him in the beginning of March. I won't see him til the earliest the end of August. 6 months! Thats half a year! And how wonderful is it that it works out the longest time without him will be the time I've less to do, and more time to miss him.
I have no idea whats going on between us as far as love goes. But romantic or not, I love that boy if even as just a friend. I love him to pieces! And I already miss him so much! I don't know how I'm going to handle four more months! I'm only a third of the way there!
I guess though, the tougher things are at first, and the more I have to put up with stuff, the better things will work out in the end. I'm gonna have a weird summer. Lots of ups and downs, what with missing friends, adjusting to changes, but also seeing old friends and having freedom. But no matter how many hours I put into my new shit job, no matter how many times I cry over missing friends, or my family, or being homesick for nova scotia at all - in the end it will be worth it. Come fall my life should be in high gear. Financial security, a more permanent place to call my own, all my friends coming back, my birthday! I think by my 19th birthday I'll be super happy Alli again, on top of the world. I'm not unhappy now. I still smile and giggle as per usual. But there is a sort of overall mood that I just can't seem to kick.
Maybe some sleep will do me good. Although, I can't stop thinking and thats kinda preventing any sleepage.
Goodnight everyone, I really do love you all. I'll miss all you scotia folk - and I will come to visit! Keep in touch!
( Lyrics to exactly how I feel right now. I'm gonna go play it on the piano =PCollapse )